GRAY

I have one hand on my heart and one on yours. What you have told me has become a truth above all else and yet the truths yield to doubt. Every ounce of this heart wants to know you as what you are but can only see what we've made you. The truth. Thats a concept i only wish i could catch in my hands for a moment. Seemingly impossible as it flutters around from thought to thought and feeling to feeling tying me in a knot that seeks your hand. One foot in one foot out dyes me to a gray color i can never paint over with the darkest back or the brightest white. The gray area is a hopeless space of searching. Its sense of loneliness brings tears to these eyes as they search for the white. I dont see it.. how can i? im blinded... blinded by the gray.

LIES

"If you agree with a lie long enough, it takes hold in your mind."- Joe Oden
This really made me think...
thats all i have to say.

An Open Meadow

(this pic is me btw)

Im struggling to put into words how im feeling right now. I have so much going on inside of me and as soon as i sit in front of this keyboard ready to let go of it all my fingers lie still as i stare at a blank screen. All i can say is i feel new as i can see the gleam of the light of freedom in the distance for soon i will be free of my fear and hatred of the land of confusion i call myself.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda

I have always distanced my discoveries from the deep dark jungles in the depths of this "land." i have involuntarily stumbled into the thickets and im not ready to leave. Instead i will further my exploration until this place becomes an open meadow in which i would be proud to dwell.

MAYBE

MAYBE WHO I AM ISN'T WHO I SHOULD BE
maybe what i am is not what i think
maybe i have a hiding place for my heart
maybe my heart hides there from me
maybe the silence says way too much
maybe thats why my ears seek the music
maybe my issues are more than ive seen
maybe your presence is what i need
maybe ill be fine, being who i am
but... MAYBE WHO I AM ISN'T WHO I SHOULD BE

It Is

It was wisdom of the heart
It was the caring spirit
It was the shining soul
It was a facade

It is the lost heart
It is a passive spirit
It is an aching soul
It is the truth

(I know its not clear exactly what this is about but its really not supposed to be).

NOTE TO SELF:
Just Breathe

My Light/Dream

As a child, my light would shine in my soul, in my heart, and in my mind pushing me to fight... to fight to keep a hold of it. My light gave me hope and made me who i wanted to be. Somewhere along the way the light has faded although is still present. Present, not enough for hope, but only enough to taunt me. This light, its who i am what I'm supposed to be yet discouragement and failure overwhelm its hopeful shine creating a blinding wicked glare. I know I've got to fight... like i did as a child with a dream. Even if my light never reaches its purpose that it has made so defiantly clear, it will never go away. Always glaring... even when my clock is turning its final corner and my bones are thinned to pieces... my dream will glare and glare and glare... until it gets to shine.

Foriegn Tongues

Ill never truly understand the language that a melody alone can whisper to my heart. Its quite peculiar how even when the words of the song are meaningless to me each note puts a tug on my heart leading me to a place beyond bliss with feelings ill never comprehend. Across the globe we speak in different tongues but the most beautiful language of all speaks to all nations. I may never know what the music so sweetly tells me but i know ill never stop hearing it.

For Good

I was brought to absolute tears today in choir. We started to rehearse the song we are singing for graduation (For Good form Wicked). As the song started the beautiful melody the piano so gracefully gave was enough to bring me to tears until we started to sing the words to the song.

Now, to give you a little background relevant to my emotions. This little town i live in is the most beautiful place ive ever lived. Half the population would disagree but its not the physical beauty but the peace i have found with the amazing people in it, the short walks i can take to anywhere here, and the self significant runs i take through these streets. I have a church here giving me the amazing family i always wished i had with so many people who have changed my life. Lastly, I have my school here with more amazing freinds and teachers who have changed my life aswell. Im happy here. Finally, happy somewhere. It just so happens that as Im happy here I am moving to another state in 4-5 months. This upsets me greatly.

back to choir...
As we started to sing the words to the song my vocal chords locked up and tears started to poor from my eyes.

these are the lyrics to the song...

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."

These words are as if strait from my heart for sooo many people in my life that wont be for much longer. Each person who has walked into my life was put there for a reason that i see so clearly. These people i see everyday that i hug, talk to, laugh with, cry with, show and keep me who i am and renew this smile day to day. It hurts so much that it wont be like this for much longer but as i said each one was brought here for a reason.

This change is scary and is tearing me apart but just as these people in my life now have walked into it here... God will bring others into my life where I'm going for just as divine a reasoning. Change is scary but beautiful as well. The truth of change is so bitter sweet. Although it is the end... its also the beginning.