Where I've Walked

The glow of the stage lights glisten across the fingertips raised high as my peers engage in worship. In the darkened sanctuary the serine mood calms my heart and my mind begins to surface. The melody the band so gracefully gives is enough to flutter my butterflies and move me in ways only music could. I am at peace. Looking around I see eyes closed and lips at a whisper, each word, a message in a bottle sent across the waves of eternity.
Teens all around, knelt to the floor, wiping tears from their repentance ridden faces, clenching tissues as if they were the hand of God. I am one of the few with a raised head an open eyes as everyone around appears to be floating in a realm above our own. Expressions of joy, sorrow, and peace cover their faces and cries of desperation fill my ears. The glowing lights, like heaven, create silhouettes like angels out of these people of faith. Hands upon hands and hands upon the sky, they reach. They reach with every fiber of their being for this idea of God, of something more.
Watching closer at the expressions and actions of the people, I start to understand each one’s walks in faith. I see where they are and where they are headed; it is written on their faces. The one that sobs on her knees is found in a place of failure or perhaps rejection before the one she loves. The one jumping for joy with arms extended toward the heavens has found confirmation or even victory in his God and can only think to praise. A group has gathered to create a dog-pile of hands upon another’s back as they sink into selfless prayer for a suffering sister. They are found in compassion, love and confidence in numbers but that is all that compels them. I spot a girl who was praying moments before watching me with concerned eyes. She is found in a judgmental spirit. She is the on who “knows” that those who do not find the light reach death and thinks that my wide opened eyes and blank expression paints me the color of hell for I do not know her God.
I know God. I know these people and places, for in their shoes, I’ve once stood, and the struggles of their heart are the same that plagued mine. The nostalgic light of their positions illuminate my soul for myself to see. The shadows sway and the angels sing and I am found in tears.

...

shiver down to bone but remember the feel of skin
for we are only naked to be covered again

BLISSFUL ignorance?

We could remain in wonder
hold the hand of mystery
rely on what we know
but believe whats not to see

We can keep our blissful ignorance
and hold a sense of pride
but as clocks turn corners
will our ignorance have died?

And as we lay awake at night
whats to know inside?
and walking through our valleys
for what do we have to fight?

REMEMBER

moonlit tears
darkness born fears
moving at the speed of terror
hatred consumed minds
throw faces into fire
heating the misery in all who see
one more night
we'll make it til light
hopeful minds
holding tight

hate and rage
thrown to tame
the "beasts" screaming to live
another down
without a sound
silent screams heard faintly
mist of death fires of hate
burning weak bones that fall
innocence crushed and victimized
un-just souls stand tall

blood covered vows
to take beyond now
crisis remembered in hopes of no return
head counts still remain
and hatred continues to gain
again again again again
genocide reigns

hopes to remember
knowings to prevent
all lived in vain

Birthday Candles

When you were a kid and the time came to blow out your candles on your birthday cake and you were told to "make a wish" you did. Despite all you knew that the wish would probably not become reality as the result of a want whispered in your thoughts. Although you understood there is no birthday candle magical power that can make all your hopes and dreams come true you made that wish. You pored your heart out into a thought for the sake of "just in case." For the hope that there was something or someone hearing and forever knowing your most precious desires. As living, loving, and longing beings we need to feel a power greater than ours in control and just in reach. So we reach and reach and reach. We reach with prayers whispered before bed. We reach with shooting stars scampering across the sky or with eyelashes lightly blown away. We reach for something more. As we reach, we are either swept with disappointment as our attempts prove pointless, or we a renewed with a hope as we experience the touch of what we forever long for. Although it is, at times, difficult to put my hand out again after the times when it all seems so far away, I will continue to because of the times my fingers have lightly grazed the face of hope. We may not be too sure what we've been reaching for all this time but our endless attempts are what keep us alive.
Here's to reaching...

The Bystander

An old man moans of what time has withered at hand. He weeps for the many "What could have beens." He cries and longs and wishes for a memory worthy of his last. But as his mind grows weary and his clock turns its final corner he is haunted in knowing the time to live has passed and he has only been a bystander watching it go.

White Walls

the white whispers sorrow
the emptiness spews fear
it doesnt lie it only reminds
what inevitably nears

across these white walls
dance memories and faces
twirling and leaping
among the empty spaces

a road among them
i aspire to see
a glimpse of hope
what is intended to be

for now i cry
in cold hands i fall
to dwell in my hatred
of these empty white walls

THE DARKNESS DANCER

shaking in the shadows
lies the wounded darkness dancer
waiting for a gleam of light
to devastate and reveal her
to never dance and never hold
the truths dwelling deep
not again will she protect
whats never to be seen
darkness fading light consuming
fear compelling lies
light exposing all that falls
proclaiming onus ridden eyes
shaking in the shadows
lies the wounded darkness dancer
consumed by a gleam of light
where all can clearly see her

CHANGE

Change seems to be the theme of my year. An incredible metamorphosis has taken place in my mind, soul, and heart. This year i have lost people and i have gained people. My way of life and system of belief is not what it was. Soon enough i will be in an entirely new place with entirely new people. Change brings about the most complicated feelings.
change is wrapped in a cloth of fear and mourning over what will no longer be. As we walk towards change watching it closely all we can see is its clothing. but as we reach it... we strip it bare... we see what it truly is... a light of beauty reminding us that everything happens for a reason and there is a time for everything. As its clothing is gone it is free to shine its light on new ways to see.

This is how i like to think of change and it brings me hope to realize that although i am standing before change trembling in its overwhelming presence... I know im only waiting to pull away it clothing and discover what divine purpose it will shine its light on when the time comes.

The silence is the place of fear, of hurt, of doubt but most of all it is the place of truth. As our daily sounds start to quiet and our heart beat steadies we can easier hear the knock of truth on our doors. This is the reason i lie awake at night with open eyes and a restless mind.

I cant seem to quiet the silence and Ive yet to decide whether this is my blessing or my curse. I have found myself being thrown into a spiral of thought each moment of silence i happen to stumble upon throughout my day and im having to make a conscious effort to live rather than think. So, blessing or curse? In the spirals i catch glimpses of truth and my bed has become my road to self discovery. Im understanding myself in new ways some nights and yet some i find myself hating what i find in the "wilderness of my intuition." hating or understand, both fall under discovery and i think i will be taking this in as a blessing. This small portion of my life... this portion im missing... the thoughtless place of folly the others so peacefully reside... Is it so wrong to miss this to discover and prepare myself to be who i will be? I think not and i hope not... I dont have much of a choice in the matter. So a blessing i say... a blessing of truth and as painful and scary the knocking on the door can be, i hope i never stop hearing it because behind each door is a vital piece of me to find on my road of discovery.

GRAY

I have one hand on my heart and one on yours. What you have told me has become a truth above all else and yet the truths yield to doubt. Every ounce of this heart wants to know you as what you are but can only see what we've made you. The truth. Thats a concept i only wish i could catch in my hands for a moment. Seemingly impossible as it flutters around from thought to thought and feeling to feeling tying me in a knot that seeks your hand. One foot in one foot out dyes me to a gray color i can never paint over with the darkest back or the brightest white. The gray area is a hopeless space of searching. Its sense of loneliness brings tears to these eyes as they search for the white. I dont see it.. how can i? im blinded... blinded by the gray.

LIES

"If you agree with a lie long enough, it takes hold in your mind."- Joe Oden
This really made me think...
thats all i have to say.

An Open Meadow

(this pic is me btw)

Im struggling to put into words how im feeling right now. I have so much going on inside of me and as soon as i sit in front of this keyboard ready to let go of it all my fingers lie still as i stare at a blank screen. All i can say is i feel new as i can see the gleam of the light of freedom in the distance for soon i will be free of my fear and hatred of the land of confusion i call myself.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda

I have always distanced my discoveries from the deep dark jungles in the depths of this "land." i have involuntarily stumbled into the thickets and im not ready to leave. Instead i will further my exploration until this place becomes an open meadow in which i would be proud to dwell.

MAYBE

MAYBE WHO I AM ISN'T WHO I SHOULD BE
maybe what i am is not what i think
maybe i have a hiding place for my heart
maybe my heart hides there from me
maybe the silence says way too much
maybe thats why my ears seek the music
maybe my issues are more than ive seen
maybe your presence is what i need
maybe ill be fine, being who i am
but... MAYBE WHO I AM ISN'T WHO I SHOULD BE

It Is

It was wisdom of the heart
It was the caring spirit
It was the shining soul
It was a facade

It is the lost heart
It is a passive spirit
It is an aching soul
It is the truth

(I know its not clear exactly what this is about but its really not supposed to be).

NOTE TO SELF:
Just Breathe

My Light/Dream

As a child, my light would shine in my soul, in my heart, and in my mind pushing me to fight... to fight to keep a hold of it. My light gave me hope and made me who i wanted to be. Somewhere along the way the light has faded although is still present. Present, not enough for hope, but only enough to taunt me. This light, its who i am what I'm supposed to be yet discouragement and failure overwhelm its hopeful shine creating a blinding wicked glare. I know I've got to fight... like i did as a child with a dream. Even if my light never reaches its purpose that it has made so defiantly clear, it will never go away. Always glaring... even when my clock is turning its final corner and my bones are thinned to pieces... my dream will glare and glare and glare... until it gets to shine.

Foriegn Tongues

Ill never truly understand the language that a melody alone can whisper to my heart. Its quite peculiar how even when the words of the song are meaningless to me each note puts a tug on my heart leading me to a place beyond bliss with feelings ill never comprehend. Across the globe we speak in different tongues but the most beautiful language of all speaks to all nations. I may never know what the music so sweetly tells me but i know ill never stop hearing it.

For Good

I was brought to absolute tears today in choir. We started to rehearse the song we are singing for graduation (For Good form Wicked). As the song started the beautiful melody the piano so gracefully gave was enough to bring me to tears until we started to sing the words to the song.

Now, to give you a little background relevant to my emotions. This little town i live in is the most beautiful place ive ever lived. Half the population would disagree but its not the physical beauty but the peace i have found with the amazing people in it, the short walks i can take to anywhere here, and the self significant runs i take through these streets. I have a church here giving me the amazing family i always wished i had with so many people who have changed my life. Lastly, I have my school here with more amazing freinds and teachers who have changed my life aswell. Im happy here. Finally, happy somewhere. It just so happens that as Im happy here I am moving to another state in 4-5 months. This upsets me greatly.

back to choir...
As we started to sing the words to the song my vocal chords locked up and tears started to poor from my eyes.

these are the lyrics to the song...

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."

These words are as if strait from my heart for sooo many people in my life that wont be for much longer. Each person who has walked into my life was put there for a reason that i see so clearly. These people i see everyday that i hug, talk to, laugh with, cry with, show and keep me who i am and renew this smile day to day. It hurts so much that it wont be like this for much longer but as i said each one was brought here for a reason.

This change is scary and is tearing me apart but just as these people in my life now have walked into it here... God will bring others into my life where I'm going for just as divine a reasoning. Change is scary but beautiful as well. The truth of change is so bitter sweet. Although it is the end... its also the beginning.

a smile

As the snow has melted and a pleasant afternoon temperature is brought back with a soothing light breeze sweeping through the trees Im getting back into my running season. Oh how i miss my runs. That time where i can escape the house, feel nature in my veins, and get lost in the music. The time where i pound my feet against the pavement to the beat of my favorite songs wiping all frustration out of my mind. It never failed whatever was going on at home as soon as my ear buds were in and my legs were going it was like instant peace in my rarely peaceful mind. For some reason during the winter i cant enjoy myself on a run. Therefore, i havnt been running regularly for a while now. Im starting to realize the importance of this time for me. I sit in my four walls thinking and thinking and thinking and at times worrying then thinking some more and i cant seem to find my "stop thinking" point as my ears start to thought bleed and my eyes start to thought tear. Thought overload! Yesterday i woke up and looked out my window to see the sun smiling back at me. As cheesy as it sounds, its how i felt. Without hesitation i put on a hoodie, some sweats and tennis hoes and darted out the door with my music on. This was the first run id been on since i moved in with my dad and the neighborhood is in an awkward place so the only place i had to run was around a small square over and over and over(this made me miss my old neighborhood greatly). Honestly i didnt really care. I ran and ran and ran(and stopped and gasped for i was out of shape). lol the music never felt so calming, the sun never felt so warming, the soft breeze never felt so soothing, and the steady beat my feet made against the pavement had never felt so much like my true heart beat as in that moment. As i stopped in the middle of the road, closed my eyes, rolled my head back,and breathed i could feel the earth in my viens once again. I smiled. For the first time in a while i truly smiled. It wasnt smirk, or a smile with a little worry on the side, or a smile that was hiding behind but a smile of bliss. A smile that renewed with each breath with only feelings of joy behind it. Bliss, bliss in its highest. such an inspiring beautiful day that was. cant wait for my next run when the weather allows.

~Jaci

Obama 01/17/09

Address the nation,
swear, vow.
Hand on the Bible,
a king now.
The microphone booms,
"let freedom ring."
The men solute,
the trumpets sing.
Once upon a time,
a nation falls.
A child without hope,
a girl without a doll.
Nothing left
for America to hold.
Broken vows
a thousand years old.
Promises spoken
from the mouth of hope,
empty or not,
only God will know.
He speaks of change,
of good to come.
To these promises,
we've all grown numb.
We've heard it before,
save your breathe.
How do we know
these changes aren't death?

music 12/02/08

I feel the beat through my fingers,
my heart beats along.
I watch the rhythm through my sneakers,
my lips sing the song.
My soul sways to the melody,
it reaches to my heart.
No matter what its always with me,
of myself a part.
I sing, I sing,
my voice you'll hear.
Listen well,
for i am near.
I hear the lyrics,
I feel the keys.
I walk with music,
follow me.
I feel the pick,
warm on my palm.
I strum the guitar,
all is calm.
The music flows,
from you to me.
We'll change the world,
wait and see. <3